Honestly somewhere in mind I've known that I'm hard to deal with. I know that my passion and vest for the thoughts and opinions in my head is often oft putting to the ones around. And the truth is, I care. I care...but I don't know how to stop being me.
When there is conversation around me that I understand, I literally yearn to be a part of it. The problem often is that I know a lot of things. A lot of random things, about random things. So I'm usually well versed in a variety of topics, and I'm passionate about those things. So I end up embroiled in a conversation when inevitably someone says something I disagree with it. If I feel like there wrong, I want to point it out. Not to be a douche, but because they simply are wrong. And I will be more than glad to point out where and how and include a source if need be. If its a differing opinion I probe and have to know why they think as such. Mainly because there is no way I can understand and accept their opinion without knowing its true source of origin.
Because doesn't everyone have a reason for their thoughts and actions? I mean I know I do. There in lies my problem. And the older I get, the less people around me are willing to deal with the mire that is my brain. I found out that some guys I use to play an online game with don't like me. At all really. They all apparently have decided that when I'm around, to never bring up anything that could be argued over. And that hurt, it really did. I actually had tears well up in my eyes a bit. That bothers me so much, it bothers me that it even bothers me. I like and respect those guys and my argumentative nature isn't a slight to them, hell its a friendly jester in a way. Because who cares about the opinions and outlooks of idiots and the mundane?
It's similar at work. I'm on the outs with my entire sect of coworkers. Funny thing is I don't even argue with them. They just don't really like me. Could be because I don't share the interest and lack that common denominator that bonds people. Could be because I am not thin and good looking like them. Could be a lot of things, could be everything. The end result being an oppressive loneliness at work. And my friends, my own group of friends that I'm moving to Oregon with. I want to trust them, but I worry that my ability to trust people is broken. I can't help but think of all the things that can go wrong and the potentially incoming betrayal. Regardless of the fact that they have done nothing to display it.
It's all to easy to point at these people and say fuck them, their not worth it. But when that many people dislike you, actively avoid you, or simply avoid confrontation with you...does not point at myself as the problem. That what I have became as a person is simply faulty?
I fear that I simply have nothing of real note to offer. That my worth is only notable as long as I'm kept at an arms length. Close enough to hear, but no enough to feel. How long as it been since I've had a truly warm embrace? How long has it been since I've felt truly warm and safe and loved. I don't know anymore. I wish I could retreat to that golden age as a child when all you see is good. When you trusted blindly and loved everything that was good to you.
But these thoughts have to remain in my head. There is no room out there in the world for a man who doesn't have his ambition fixed firmly in his minds eye. There is no room for indecision and forlorn looks to the past. The mask must be seated firmly upon my face so the world never has to bother to ask me if I'm ok.
Suppose its better that way. Then I don't have lie and say I'm ok.
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
Monday, March 3, 2014
Maybe
This week has been the sort of week where you go from a good place emotionally to a sort of odd space where nothing feels right. There was a girl in my life that was complicated. We weren't together but in many ways we were. And it was a new experience for me, something that I never would have imagined myself in and something I would not do again. But now after a major yet seemingly minor argument we now no longer talk. Mainly over an argument about whether or not I actually loved her. And the whole experience has me looking at love agian.
What is love really? We love to think of it as this paragon emotion, a glue that binds the world together. Love of country, love of family, love of money and so on. But really we need to address and admit that at its core, love is selfish.
Maybe.
It is wholly and utterly a one sided and selfish emotion. You love the things that satisfy a part of our psyche. Love of country for motivation, love of family for warmth, love of money for comfort. We all love to fill in the holes in our soul, to give our life meaning and purpose.
And yet that is not necessarily a bad thing. Humans if not be default are selfish and for good reason. To survive in this world you more often than not, have to watch out for yourself. So as you grow and develop you naturally insert yourself at the middle of your own sort of universe. If and how many people you let into it is almost wholly up to you. Thus when you encounter love for the first time, its so intense, so foreign.
Maybe.
Your body seems to ache at love, at a source of emotion so based in selfishness with an illusion of selflessness. Yet the punch line of it is so poetic and ironic. To really love, to REALLY love, you have to lay your heart bare to someone else. You have to leave yourself wanting and exposed to really truly feel love. To have something that can make you whole, you must risk it all.
So why do it then? Because when you love, when you love and are loved in kind, it moves mountain. It raises man to a level he could never reach before. Is it because of that we trap ourselves in a cyclical pattern of love and lose?
Maybe.
Then again maybe we are all capable of feeling the gap in someone's soul and seek to mutually fill that. A sort of emotional jigsaw puzzle. Endlessly trying to find someone with the piece you both need.
So did I love her?
Maybe.
Or maybe I just knew that we both were hollow and that we could fill in the gaps of each other's soul. And that regardless of it if was true love or mutual selfishness, we would have been good together. It forces me to look at myself, question the seriousness of my intentions. But yet in the end I still believe in the institution of love and its all its complexity. And its still something I hope to find in my future.
Maybe.
Maybe Not.
What is love really? We love to think of it as this paragon emotion, a glue that binds the world together. Love of country, love of family, love of money and so on. But really we need to address and admit that at its core, love is selfish.
Maybe.
It is wholly and utterly a one sided and selfish emotion. You love the things that satisfy a part of our psyche. Love of country for motivation, love of family for warmth, love of money for comfort. We all love to fill in the holes in our soul, to give our life meaning and purpose.
And yet that is not necessarily a bad thing. Humans if not be default are selfish and for good reason. To survive in this world you more often than not, have to watch out for yourself. So as you grow and develop you naturally insert yourself at the middle of your own sort of universe. If and how many people you let into it is almost wholly up to you. Thus when you encounter love for the first time, its so intense, so foreign.
Maybe.
Your body seems to ache at love, at a source of emotion so based in selfishness with an illusion of selflessness. Yet the punch line of it is so poetic and ironic. To really love, to REALLY love, you have to lay your heart bare to someone else. You have to leave yourself wanting and exposed to really truly feel love. To have something that can make you whole, you must risk it all.
So why do it then? Because when you love, when you love and are loved in kind, it moves mountain. It raises man to a level he could never reach before. Is it because of that we trap ourselves in a cyclical pattern of love and lose?
Maybe.
Then again maybe we are all capable of feeling the gap in someone's soul and seek to mutually fill that. A sort of emotional jigsaw puzzle. Endlessly trying to find someone with the piece you both need.
So did I love her?
Maybe.
Or maybe I just knew that we both were hollow and that we could fill in the gaps of each other's soul. And that regardless of it if was true love or mutual selfishness, we would have been good together. It forces me to look at myself, question the seriousness of my intentions. But yet in the end I still believe in the institution of love and its all its complexity. And its still something I hope to find in my future.
Maybe.
Maybe Not.
Saturday, March 1, 2014
Truth in Lies
I find that the biggest lie in all of life is the sense that the truth is key. The truth is the farthest thing from something that pleases and soothes humanity. It is in fact carefully constructed lies that allows us to function from a day to day basis. So where does that leave the ilk like myself who crave honesty?
It leaves us in an ultimate Sophie's choice.
And its that conundrum that came to my head as I sat across the couch from her, basked in the armor of mt alcoholic courage. On the drive back to her house I had rehearsed the words in my head so very many times. Each one slicked with a sheen of charisma and careful wordsmith.
Oh how I imagined how my artful confession would shock but thrill her. We were already so painfully close, surely the exaltation of my true emotions would strike a chord in her? A mutually assured attraction surely lied dormant just beneath the surface.
But as the words came stumbling fast and clumsily from my lips I realized how foolish and antiqued my line of thinking had been.
The truth is not what people want. Its the illusion of truth with a veneer of sweet lies and projected expectations that sates humanity.
We had an interesting thing going on. Drinks after work, 90's movies at night and in that there was a foundation and a wash of murky intentions. But so long as they stated ambiguous there was no risk to her. And perhaps that was her safe spot, just as much as mine was in the light of truth. Did I have anymore reason to dictate the pass and setting than she did?
But as I confessed so ineloquently I knew that truth is not always the best medicine. Perhaps it is a candy best meant for fools and children. Because while there is often light in the truth, their is security in the dark.
It leaves us in an ultimate Sophie's choice.
And its that conundrum that came to my head as I sat across the couch from her, basked in the armor of mt alcoholic courage. On the drive back to her house I had rehearsed the words in my head so very many times. Each one slicked with a sheen of charisma and careful wordsmith.
Oh how I imagined how my artful confession would shock but thrill her. We were already so painfully close, surely the exaltation of my true emotions would strike a chord in her? A mutually assured attraction surely lied dormant just beneath the surface.
But as the words came stumbling fast and clumsily from my lips I realized how foolish and antiqued my line of thinking had been.
The truth is not what people want. Its the illusion of truth with a veneer of sweet lies and projected expectations that sates humanity.
We had an interesting thing going on. Drinks after work, 90's movies at night and in that there was a foundation and a wash of murky intentions. But so long as they stated ambiguous there was no risk to her. And perhaps that was her safe spot, just as much as mine was in the light of truth. Did I have anymore reason to dictate the pass and setting than she did?
But as I confessed so ineloquently I knew that truth is not always the best medicine. Perhaps it is a candy best meant for fools and children. Because while there is often light in the truth, their is security in the dark.
Friday, February 28, 2014
Longing
I Miss... The first time she smiled at me, I knew that she was the one. The first girl I would ever truly love. Not for a second did I hesitate or doubt myself. I looked into her soft brown eyes and something inside of me gasped in awe, lost in a sense of need and want.
Logically you know that things like this are fake in a sense. Chemicals and hormones coursing through your body, dictating the pace of your life. But in that singular moment you are beyond that, in sense you feel beyond the world. It's a feeling you don't forget no matter how much time goes by, the feeling just becomes a part of you.
And so despite the dulling power of time I remember her. I remember the first time I gazed upon the woman that eventually become my first, and in many ways only, love. The memories stay with me, etched in me like scars upon my heart and soul. How can I forget the first time I asked her out? How can I forget the gentle yet firm way she said no, or forget how I knew I would keep trying. How can I forget the way she smiled when she saw me? How can I forget the smooth feeling of her lips upon mine?
I can't forget. And I never will. Nor do I want to.
I miss the way she said my name. I miss the way she said "I love you." I miss her laugh. I miss her smell. I miss her embrace. I miss her spirit. I miss her fire. I miss her kindness. I miss her strength. I miss her wisdom. I miss her brilliance.
I miss her. I miss us.
But above all I miss the peace I had before I understood what it meant to lose a love.
Thursday, February 27, 2014
Looking Glass
Loneliness is a strange thing really. Its intangible, a simple concept, yet so utterly debilitating yet often self inflicted. I find myself often surrounded by my friends in situations where I should be happy, in situations where I should relish the human contact around me. But instead I feel like I'm in a bubble, one that separates me from the normal world.
Though honestly I shouldn't complain because this bubble is self imposed. My personality causes me to mistrust people by default. And instead of giving them the benefit of the doubt they must earn my trust. But the kicker is that they don't even know their vying for my trust. And when they don't measure up to the invisible standards I have I quietly distance myself from them.
While I realize that this method is wrong, absolutely and fundamentally wrong, I find myself at a loss to stop it. So I continue on through life often times going through the motions.
What can stop this trail of loneliness I trek along? That one single woman. That one single woman that makes you look at life differently. That one single woman that reminds that the world is beautiful if you open your eyes. That one single woman that takes the grey tint off the world, forcing you to look at it anew.
Unfortunately finding that woman, that companion is perhaps the hardest part of life.
Though honestly I shouldn't complain because this bubble is self imposed. My personality causes me to mistrust people by default. And instead of giving them the benefit of the doubt they must earn my trust. But the kicker is that they don't even know their vying for my trust. And when they don't measure up to the invisible standards I have I quietly distance myself from them.
While I realize that this method is wrong, absolutely and fundamentally wrong, I find myself at a loss to stop it. So I continue on through life often times going through the motions.
What can stop this trail of loneliness I trek along? That one single woman. That one single woman that makes you look at life differently. That one single woman that reminds that the world is beautiful if you open your eyes. That one single woman that takes the grey tint off the world, forcing you to look at it anew.
Unfortunately finding that woman, that companion is perhaps the hardest part of life.
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
One Eye On The Past
So I ended up have that sort of tragic first love. The kind of love that when it finally ends you just end up feeling depleted and broken. A shell of your formal self. Well on the anniversary of that break up I wrote what would end up feeling like an obituary for the realtionship. Its one of the oldest but probably most truthful things I've written.
I never thought that things would be like this, a year can make such a large difference.
There’s not too many times in my life where I’m truly optimistic. I’ve always had a stained realistic view of life. The bad always come with the good and that everyone has to realize this or else they're doomed to failure. But somehow I allowed myself to be swayed from my own personal mantra. Looking back at things I’m not surprised that I was lead astray.
It really couldn't be helped.
I had had so many painful relationships by this time in my life. Hell there’s some things that have gone on that none of my friends know about. Not because I don’t trust them, but because something’s are better left buried. I was looking for someone special to come through my life and give me the kind of happiness that only someone you love can give you. I had searched
high and low, near and far, and ultimately to no avail. But Stephanie had always been a girl that had been in the back of my head. For the most part she served as a friend, or more importantly as a measuring device. Every woman in my life was secretly measured against Stephanie.
Why?
Because when I wrote down everything I desired in a girl it came out to be Stephanie. Not perfectly but about as close as I think any human can come to someone’s dream. In my mind I was always mulling over the thought of being with her, but it seemed too out of reason to truly act upon. So she served as a quality measure. Every girl had to meet so many requirements for me to seriously consider dating them. But with every girl I tried harder and harder to reach the end goal.
But they never worked out.
And I began to grow bitter about my losses. How I could look so hard and come up so empty. It was when she started to date Vince that I realized my terrible mistake. My love for her went far beyond friendship. I had serious feelings for her and I needed to deal with it. So I did what I always did when it came to emotional feelings.
Squash it into oblivion.
But it didn't work, in fact it failed horribly. The harder I tried to kill it, the stronger the feelings became. And to make things worse our friendship was so close that sometimes I would confuse myself as to if we were dating and I just wasn't facing it. A part of me thought that maybe I should just leave it as be. That this was as good as it was going to get and I should quit while I was ahead. I thought about it, but then I smacked myself back into reality.
Why settle when it comes to your feelings?
I was living in a perpetually state of limbo and I HATED IT. I was so close, yet I couldn't have her. I couldn't be with her. No matter how strong a friendship is, it’s just not the same as a strong relationship. I either had to give it a chance or squander the rest of days thinking “What if.”
But apparently I wasn’t the only one with hidden feelings.
Needless to say, when Stephanie told me that she also had feelings I was ecstatic. I couldn’t believe it, I had always doubted, always dreamed. But I didn’t really ever think it would happen. I didn’t think she was capable of having real feelings for me. And even though I was happy, I always had this doubt lingering in my head. This nagging voice telling me to watch out, that all was not calm. But there was no way I was going to miss out on this.
And so a year ago today, I asked her to believe in me…in us and I asked her out.
She said yes. The rest of the weekend was a blur, a dream really. I felt that I was taking a step in the right direction. The best girlfriend is made from your best friend, or at least that’s what I had always thought. But yet the voice in my head lingered. I guess a part of me never believed that this dream could come true and didn’t buy it. But there was no way I was going to give into that kind of thought.
How can you describe the top?
It felt like being on the top of the world. Why be mad or sad when you had a wonderful girl with you? Everyone around me said that they weren’t shocked. They all made it seem as if they were expecting this. It was nice to hear, but I wondered how much of what others said was true. I would slowly begin to understand that no one seems to tell me the important things.
But like everything in life the bad came along with the good.
Somehow by becoming the boyfriend I took a step back. Instead of being high up on the list of people to see/things to do, I became almost last. Everyone saw her more than I did. During school this wasn’t an issue, but it became dreadful apparent during the summer. A week would go by before I would ever hear from her. I didn’t bother her because I knew that she was busy with summer school and guard.
But Brandon came after school, after guard, after sleep, after games, after the gaming group and after her other friends.
I’m use to being last in some things, but who wants to be last in a relationship? It was beginning
to seriously piss me off. It got to the point where some people didn’t even think I was dating her anymore. What happened to Stephanie, they’d ask. She’s busy, I’d explained. Oh, they would say, giving a strange look as they wondered why she ALWAYS busy. It got to the point that even the precious few days I saw her were odd. I couldn’t help but feeling forgotten and our conversations would be pierced by long periods of silence. I remember many days looking up at the sky and wondered if this was the way love should be.
To be happy and sad at the same time.
I was giving up a lot of things to try and be with her. I’ve always been a guy that has enjoyed the physical pleasures of a relationship. But this was something that didn’t come with the Date Stephanie package. But I gladly gave them away because I wanted to be with her. I would have given the world up for her, and yet I could barely get a piece of her time.
So I tried to jumpstart some passion by taking her out on a romantic night out.
I spent a couple of weeks plotting on where to go and what to do. I wanted it to be something
unique, something that no one has ever done for her. I wanted it to be something that no one would do for awhile to come. I did everything I could to make that night worth while. I brought her a dozen red roses when I came to pick her up. I took her on a carriage ride around the plaza. And then for the real treat I took her to Skies. A restaurant downtown that sat on top of the 43 story Hilton Hotel. The restaurant has all the seats on the outside, with large windows so you can see the view of the whole city. And it slowly spins so that you can take in the entire skyline. I spent a total of $250 that night. And the funny thing is I felt bad…because I wished I had more money to spend on her. Maybe that doesn’t seem like a lot to some people. But for a broke man, with no job…$250 on one night is a lot…
But apparently the relationship was already dead at this point.
Because about a month later things were over. We had talked one day about things, about the many bumps. And I told her that in two weeks I had to leave to go back to school. In the mean time I wanted her to think about what she really wanted. I knew from experience that you never know what you have until the end is near. I never actually thought that things would end. It was a possibility but I thought that even with the problems, our relationship was strong enough to deal with it.
But like so many things in life I was wrong. It didn’t take the two weeks for her to decide, it took two days.
And the answer was that she didn’t want to be with me. She said that she just didn’t need to be in a relationship right now. One of those, its not you it’s me. And sadly I believed her. I was hurt as all hell, more hurt than I expected. My birthday was in 2 days…and I wouldn’t be able to spend it with her. She was gone and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it. I hadn’t felt that level of sadness in a long time. I didn’t think it would ever end, I thought that there would always be a Brandon and Stephanie in some way or another. But I was wrong. I gave in and visited her on my last night in Lee’s Summit. The next day I would be returning to school. Just seeing her hurt, realizing that I couldn’t have her….. hurt even more. My plan was to give her a quick hug and retreat… but it didn’t happen like that. Once I had my arms wrapped around her I found it hard to let go. She looked up at me and I saw the tears streaming down her face, and then I felt moisture on my face and realized that I was crying too.
I held her and cried because it felt like I was losing half of my soul.
She didn’t change her mind. She still didn’t want to be with me, and to make it worse she had cried. And I had no idea why. As I drove home my body hurt, my soul ached. I screamed and pounded the steering wheel, hoping that would release the pain. But it didn’t, nothing I could do could rid me of this wound. But throughout it all I held on to my silver thread. I could only hope that she would find herself and come back to me. In the mean time I would work on my flaws and try to better myself for when she returned.
But then she started calling me.
She called to chit chat, see how I was doing. All the random bullshit that ex’s talk about when the pain is still so fresh. I wanted so badly to talk about us, or at least what had been us. I wanted to tell her how much I missed her, how much I wanted another chance to prove myself. How much I just wanted to feel her presence… But I knew that I would only make a fool out of myself. And then one day she called and I did do that. I spilled some of my feelings and to my dismay found out an important yet painful piece of information. It had been 2 months since our break-up and she was now with another guy.
Stephanie wouldn’t be coming back.
To say I felt like a Jackass would be an understatement. My unending pain was only matched by my unbridled anger. I had been holding a flame for a candle that was no longer there. I was living in a bubble and it was time for me to be smacked out of it. I had so many feelings left over that I hadn’t dealt with because I couldn’t handle it. But now I had no choice and the pain was killing me. Things would never be the same for me. Stephanie and I could never be friends again because she would always be more than a friend. And I’ll be damned before I squash my own feelings to appease her.
A part of me had died and now I would have to try and make due.
I never thought that things would be like this, a year can make such a large difference.
There’s not too many times in my life where I’m truly optimistic. I’ve always had a stained realistic view of life. The bad always come with the good and that everyone has to realize this or else they're doomed to failure. But somehow I allowed myself to be swayed from my own personal mantra. Looking back at things I’m not surprised that I was lead astray.
It really couldn't be helped.
I had had so many painful relationships by this time in my life. Hell there’s some things that have gone on that none of my friends know about. Not because I don’t trust them, but because something’s are better left buried. I was looking for someone special to come through my life and give me the kind of happiness that only someone you love can give you. I had searched
high and low, near and far, and ultimately to no avail. But Stephanie had always been a girl that had been in the back of my head. For the most part she served as a friend, or more importantly as a measuring device. Every woman in my life was secretly measured against Stephanie.
Why?
Because when I wrote down everything I desired in a girl it came out to be Stephanie. Not perfectly but about as close as I think any human can come to someone’s dream. In my mind I was always mulling over the thought of being with her, but it seemed too out of reason to truly act upon. So she served as a quality measure. Every girl had to meet so many requirements for me to seriously consider dating them. But with every girl I tried harder and harder to reach the end goal.
But they never worked out.
And I began to grow bitter about my losses. How I could look so hard and come up so empty. It was when she started to date Vince that I realized my terrible mistake. My love for her went far beyond friendship. I had serious feelings for her and I needed to deal with it. So I did what I always did when it came to emotional feelings.
Squash it into oblivion.
But it didn't work, in fact it failed horribly. The harder I tried to kill it, the stronger the feelings became. And to make things worse our friendship was so close that sometimes I would confuse myself as to if we were dating and I just wasn't facing it. A part of me thought that maybe I should just leave it as be. That this was as good as it was going to get and I should quit while I was ahead. I thought about it, but then I smacked myself back into reality.
Why settle when it comes to your feelings?
I was living in a perpetually state of limbo and I HATED IT. I was so close, yet I couldn't have her. I couldn't be with her. No matter how strong a friendship is, it’s just not the same as a strong relationship. I either had to give it a chance or squander the rest of days thinking “What if.”
But apparently I wasn’t the only one with hidden feelings.
Needless to say, when Stephanie told me that she also had feelings I was ecstatic. I couldn’t believe it, I had always doubted, always dreamed. But I didn’t really ever think it would happen. I didn’t think she was capable of having real feelings for me. And even though I was happy, I always had this doubt lingering in my head. This nagging voice telling me to watch out, that all was not calm. But there was no way I was going to miss out on this.
And so a year ago today, I asked her to believe in me…in us and I asked her out.
She said yes. The rest of the weekend was a blur, a dream really. I felt that I was taking a step in the right direction. The best girlfriend is made from your best friend, or at least that’s what I had always thought. But yet the voice in my head lingered. I guess a part of me never believed that this dream could come true and didn’t buy it. But there was no way I was going to give into that kind of thought.
How can you describe the top?
It felt like being on the top of the world. Why be mad or sad when you had a wonderful girl with you? Everyone around me said that they weren’t shocked. They all made it seem as if they were expecting this. It was nice to hear, but I wondered how much of what others said was true. I would slowly begin to understand that no one seems to tell me the important things.
But like everything in life the bad came along with the good.
Somehow by becoming the boyfriend I took a step back. Instead of being high up on the list of people to see/things to do, I became almost last. Everyone saw her more than I did. During school this wasn’t an issue, but it became dreadful apparent during the summer. A week would go by before I would ever hear from her. I didn’t bother her because I knew that she was busy with summer school and guard.
But Brandon came after school, after guard, after sleep, after games, after the gaming group and after her other friends.
I’m use to being last in some things, but who wants to be last in a relationship? It was beginning
to seriously piss me off. It got to the point where some people didn’t even think I was dating her anymore. What happened to Stephanie, they’d ask. She’s busy, I’d explained. Oh, they would say, giving a strange look as they wondered why she ALWAYS busy. It got to the point that even the precious few days I saw her were odd. I couldn’t help but feeling forgotten and our conversations would be pierced by long periods of silence. I remember many days looking up at the sky and wondered if this was the way love should be.
To be happy and sad at the same time.
I was giving up a lot of things to try and be with her. I’ve always been a guy that has enjoyed the physical pleasures of a relationship. But this was something that didn’t come with the Date Stephanie package. But I gladly gave them away because I wanted to be with her. I would have given the world up for her, and yet I could barely get a piece of her time.
So I tried to jumpstart some passion by taking her out on a romantic night out.
I spent a couple of weeks plotting on where to go and what to do. I wanted it to be something
unique, something that no one has ever done for her. I wanted it to be something that no one would do for awhile to come. I did everything I could to make that night worth while. I brought her a dozen red roses when I came to pick her up. I took her on a carriage ride around the plaza. And then for the real treat I took her to Skies. A restaurant downtown that sat on top of the 43 story Hilton Hotel. The restaurant has all the seats on the outside, with large windows so you can see the view of the whole city. And it slowly spins so that you can take in the entire skyline. I spent a total of $250 that night. And the funny thing is I felt bad…because I wished I had more money to spend on her. Maybe that doesn’t seem like a lot to some people. But for a broke man, with no job…$250 on one night is a lot…
But apparently the relationship was already dead at this point.
Because about a month later things were over. We had talked one day about things, about the many bumps. And I told her that in two weeks I had to leave to go back to school. In the mean time I wanted her to think about what she really wanted. I knew from experience that you never know what you have until the end is near. I never actually thought that things would end. It was a possibility but I thought that even with the problems, our relationship was strong enough to deal with it.
But like so many things in life I was wrong. It didn’t take the two weeks for her to decide, it took two days.
And the answer was that she didn’t want to be with me. She said that she just didn’t need to be in a relationship right now. One of those, its not you it’s me. And sadly I believed her. I was hurt as all hell, more hurt than I expected. My birthday was in 2 days…and I wouldn’t be able to spend it with her. She was gone and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it. I hadn’t felt that level of sadness in a long time. I didn’t think it would ever end, I thought that there would always be a Brandon and Stephanie in some way or another. But I was wrong. I gave in and visited her on my last night in Lee’s Summit. The next day I would be returning to school. Just seeing her hurt, realizing that I couldn’t have her….. hurt even more. My plan was to give her a quick hug and retreat… but it didn’t happen like that. Once I had my arms wrapped around her I found it hard to let go. She looked up at me and I saw the tears streaming down her face, and then I felt moisture on my face and realized that I was crying too.
I held her and cried because it felt like I was losing half of my soul.
She didn’t change her mind. She still didn’t want to be with me, and to make it worse she had cried. And I had no idea why. As I drove home my body hurt, my soul ached. I screamed and pounded the steering wheel, hoping that would release the pain. But it didn’t, nothing I could do could rid me of this wound. But throughout it all I held on to my silver thread. I could only hope that she would find herself and come back to me. In the mean time I would work on my flaws and try to better myself for when she returned.
But then she started calling me.
She called to chit chat, see how I was doing. All the random bullshit that ex’s talk about when the pain is still so fresh. I wanted so badly to talk about us, or at least what had been us. I wanted to tell her how much I missed her, how much I wanted another chance to prove myself. How much I just wanted to feel her presence… But I knew that I would only make a fool out of myself. And then one day she called and I did do that. I spilled some of my feelings and to my dismay found out an important yet painful piece of information. It had been 2 months since our break-up and she was now with another guy.
Stephanie wouldn’t be coming back.
To say I felt like a Jackass would be an understatement. My unending pain was only matched by my unbridled anger. I had been holding a flame for a candle that was no longer there. I was living in a bubble and it was time for me to be smacked out of it. I had so many feelings left over that I hadn’t dealt with because I couldn’t handle it. But now I had no choice and the pain was killing me. Things would never be the same for me. Stephanie and I could never be friends again because she would always be more than a friend. And I’ll be damned before I squash my own feelings to appease her.
A part of me had died and now I would have to try and make due.
Apparently her boyfriend Keith is good to her and he cares for her better than I ever did. And in return she loves him more than she ever could love me. Even the knowledge of this wasn’t enough to kill my feelings for her. My best trick to getting over women was to run to another. But there was no girl that would take me in, no one to care for and crush the feelings for Stephanie. I was on my own and it hurt. Occasionally she calls and I don’t pick up. It’s the one pleasure I can truly have, knowing that if only for a second she can feel the pain that I felt. The pain of reaching out to someone and getting nothing but air. I don’t doubt that she hurts over hurting me, but the fact is that it can never equal how it feels over here.
I feel abused, used, broken and ignored.
Justifiable or not, from where I stand that is exactly how it is. I know as now as I did then about what happened. She said she loved me so many times, yet it took her mere days to kill our 6 month relationship built on a 4 year friendship. Everybody is entitled to change there mind, but if they can make such an important decision in such a short time…what does that say? A part of me seeks some kind of closure that doesn’t exist. Things have changed in the past year, but in a way there the same.
She’s still the first thing to cross my mind when I wake, and the last thing when I sleep.
I had such grand plans last year. But now I can’t help but feel empty. I would have gladly died a thousands deaths for her, and I would have trusted her with my life. No one else can compare when it comes to how much I trusted her. Amazing how such a small girl managed to leave such a large impression on me. It makes me feel incredible weak, how could I still love someone that has done so much harm. Let alone someone that has moved on long ago. There’s really only one thought that crosses my mind everyday now.
I wish I had never meet her, because then it wouldn’t hurt so bad.
I feel abused, used, broken and ignored.
Justifiable or not, from where I stand that is exactly how it is. I know as now as I did then about what happened. She said she loved me so many times, yet it took her mere days to kill our 6 month relationship built on a 4 year friendship. Everybody is entitled to change there mind, but if they can make such an important decision in such a short time…what does that say? A part of me seeks some kind of closure that doesn’t exist. Things have changed in the past year, but in a way there the same.
She’s still the first thing to cross my mind when I wake, and the last thing when I sleep.
I had such grand plans last year. But now I can’t help but feel empty. I would have gladly died a thousands deaths for her, and I would have trusted her with my life. No one else can compare when it comes to how much I trusted her. Amazing how such a small girl managed to leave such a large impression on me. It makes me feel incredible weak, how could I still love someone that has done so much harm. Let alone someone that has moved on long ago. There’s really only one thought that crosses my mind everyday now.
I wish I had never meet her, because then it wouldn’t hurt so bad.
Monday, February 24, 2014
Sometimes We Fall In The Light
So digging through some old Facebook notes, I found a note I wrote to two of my best friends. This was about a girl that was very nearly my fiancee. It lacks a little context but I think anyone would get the message.
I feel that this whole thing with Becca hasn't been properly explained by myself. That the whole thing must just seem crazy, far fetched and immature. I want you all to understand how I feel so that you can understand me better. Or better yet why this will happen again in some form.
You all know the story of Stephanie and I, some better than others. But she was the first deep intellectual and emotional connection I ever had. It was honestly earth shattering for me. I was always use to understanding things before others, usually because I sought out knowledge. But I had never dreamed of a feeling like that. I wasn't prepared for how deeply someone could imprint themselves upon you. It was something that had never happened before, and didn't happen after.
So I assumed logical that maybe thats what it was like to meet your soulmate. An intense and singular connection that can't be replicated by time or effort. A single great moment with a person that is attainable as easily as it can be broken.
And then I met Rebecca Loftin. From the onset I knew I was playing with fire, she was a married woman after all. But from the very first conversation there was fire there. We flirted and flowed so easily, almost as if we known each other forever. She was as quick witted and flirtatious as myself, a rare quality to find. But she was married...to a total douchebag. So I convinced myself that it was ok to want to forbidden fruit because the current owner didn't want it, couldn't appreciate.
And so for almost 2 years we talked and shared and flirted and everything. I told her things that I had shared with no one, even you all. My inner most fears and secrets and desires. My dreams of the future, my ambitions, my doubts. And she accepted them. Not just a sort of nod, a placating yes, but a real sense that she say and understood them. That she would squash the petty fears and stand behind my dreams.
Another first for me. A deeper connection than even Stephanie. But I didn't share it, not truly, because well she was married. And I didn't want to hear the disappointment from my friends in my actions. I didn't expect them to understand how right it felt regardless of how wrong the situation was. Besides...it was just a dream right? She was married, and several states away.
Then when moved to Oklahoma she was within my reach. All the promises we couldn't keep could be fulfilled. So I drove to see her. It was the scariest fucking thing I've ever done. To drive into a another state, for a girl I had never met face to face before. The sheer stupidity of it all was horrifying. The whole way there I went over the what ifs. I cursed myself for being so foolish as to be that guy.
But I did it, and I made it there safe. And she was the person I had talked to so many hours on the phone, shared so much with. The gap that we had maintained because of distance started shrinking.
And for the first time ever, I made love. Not sex, or just fucking. But sex, with emotions. First time. Ever. And I knew that after that I couldn't go back. Afterwards I laid there in my bed for what seemed like hours, just smiling. I had this peaceful sensation through my body, like finally everything was coming into sync. A clear mind, soul and body. We were all finally on the same page. We all agreed that THIS is what love was. A complete conquest of everything. She engaged my mind, soothed my soul and pleased my body. I didn't have to make excuses as to why any one part was left wanting.
But on the drive home I realized that she still wasn't mine. She was like a princess in a far away castle, tucked away from the world, protected from men like me. And no matter what I tried I couldn't scale the castle. I could get high enough to see my prize, to touch her lips, to hear her voice. Just long enough to know I was missing before she severed the rope, letting me fall.
She let me fall. Everytime. Why? I couldn't understand it. Why? I think she loves me. I went over every action every moment in my head. Where did I go wrong, what did I say wrong? Did I miss something?
Then this last time. Oh this last time. Each other attempt was for her and I to be together. For their to be an us. But this time it was about being a family. I finally let myself connect with her daughter, and everything I was worried about happened. I was always wondering that those paternal feelings that had never really activated would turn on. And fuck they did. Now it just wasn't about her and I, it was a family.
My family. A foreign concept to me. I never thought I would have a family. And yet here it was, my girls. The Tuesday that she came over to the hotel was the best day I've ever had in my life.
I was at my laptop working on some emails and they both just came over to me. They didn't want to bother me or tear me away from my work. They just wanted to be near me. And so I sat on this hotel bed with a laptop on my lap, with Becca under my left arm and Alayna under my right. This is what I had been chasing four years for. That sense of unity and belonging.
It awoke that last part of me that had never come out. That last piece of being a man, the drive to work and sacrifice for your family. I was willing to leave Ryan homeless and get a place with my girls. To cut off income to GameCon to support them. I would have changed everything to fight them in. Everything.
But then it was all gone just as fast as it came. I was devastated, truly and wholly devastated. It wasn't a game to me, and it wasn't something I thought I was going to get up and walk away.
I don't' truly understand her actions and I suspect I never will. But the love I have for her is real. Its real and dangerous. I have qualms about leaving everything to be with her. I would do anything to keep her clear, and I say that with full clarity.
I know over the years you all have seen me switch from crush to crush, fleeting obsessions. My emotions are intense and I tend to focus singularly on one girl and pour all of it into tit. But this is unlike anything else I've ever felt.
And now there's a aching hole where she was. And it can't be filled with sex, booze or money. I've tried ti all and it the hole just sucks it up. So there's this wall around it, and behind it its my anger and sadness over the breakup. I can't cry, even though I want to. I can't see to get it out and for a man like me, thats bad.
The worse of it all is that if she called me today, and apologized, asking to get back together. I would say yes. Instantly. And I know it. No matter what she does to me, I'll keep going back.
I'm the highest order of fool and I know that. But I need you all the understand that this is serious. That Becca is a very serious problem for me. Maybe even an addiction, a compulsion. And until she decides that she wants nothing to do with me ever, I will walk down this road again. And it will be worse than ever.
So to my dearest and most trusted friends, I apologize in advance for the headaches I will cause in the future.
I feel that this whole thing with Becca hasn't been properly explained by myself. That the whole thing must just seem crazy, far fetched and immature. I want you all to understand how I feel so that you can understand me better. Or better yet why this will happen again in some form.
You all know the story of Stephanie and I, some better than others. But she was the first deep intellectual and emotional connection I ever had. It was honestly earth shattering for me. I was always use to understanding things before others, usually because I sought out knowledge. But I had never dreamed of a feeling like that. I wasn't prepared for how deeply someone could imprint themselves upon you. It was something that had never happened before, and didn't happen after.
So I assumed logical that maybe thats what it was like to meet your soulmate. An intense and singular connection that can't be replicated by time or effort. A single great moment with a person that is attainable as easily as it can be broken.
And then I met Rebecca Loftin. From the onset I knew I was playing with fire, she was a married woman after all. But from the very first conversation there was fire there. We flirted and flowed so easily, almost as if we known each other forever. She was as quick witted and flirtatious as myself, a rare quality to find. But she was married...to a total douchebag. So I convinced myself that it was ok to want to forbidden fruit because the current owner didn't want it, couldn't appreciate.
And so for almost 2 years we talked and shared and flirted and everything. I told her things that I had shared with no one, even you all. My inner most fears and secrets and desires. My dreams of the future, my ambitions, my doubts. And she accepted them. Not just a sort of nod, a placating yes, but a real sense that she say and understood them. That she would squash the petty fears and stand behind my dreams.
Another first for me. A deeper connection than even Stephanie. But I didn't share it, not truly, because well she was married. And I didn't want to hear the disappointment from my friends in my actions. I didn't expect them to understand how right it felt regardless of how wrong the situation was. Besides...it was just a dream right? She was married, and several states away.
Then when moved to Oklahoma she was within my reach. All the promises we couldn't keep could be fulfilled. So I drove to see her. It was the scariest fucking thing I've ever done. To drive into a another state, for a girl I had never met face to face before. The sheer stupidity of it all was horrifying. The whole way there I went over the what ifs. I cursed myself for being so foolish as to be that guy.
But I did it, and I made it there safe. And she was the person I had talked to so many hours on the phone, shared so much with. The gap that we had maintained because of distance started shrinking.
And for the first time ever, I made love. Not sex, or just fucking. But sex, with emotions. First time. Ever. And I knew that after that I couldn't go back. Afterwards I laid there in my bed for what seemed like hours, just smiling. I had this peaceful sensation through my body, like finally everything was coming into sync. A clear mind, soul and body. We were all finally on the same page. We all agreed that THIS is what love was. A complete conquest of everything. She engaged my mind, soothed my soul and pleased my body. I didn't have to make excuses as to why any one part was left wanting.
But on the drive home I realized that she still wasn't mine. She was like a princess in a far away castle, tucked away from the world, protected from men like me. And no matter what I tried I couldn't scale the castle. I could get high enough to see my prize, to touch her lips, to hear her voice. Just long enough to know I was missing before she severed the rope, letting me fall.
She let me fall. Everytime. Why? I couldn't understand it. Why? I think she loves me. I went over every action every moment in my head. Where did I go wrong, what did I say wrong? Did I miss something?
Then this last time. Oh this last time. Each other attempt was for her and I to be together. For their to be an us. But this time it was about being a family. I finally let myself connect with her daughter, and everything I was worried about happened. I was always wondering that those paternal feelings that had never really activated would turn on. And fuck they did. Now it just wasn't about her and I, it was a family.
My family. A foreign concept to me. I never thought I would have a family. And yet here it was, my girls. The Tuesday that she came over to the hotel was the best day I've ever had in my life.
I was at my laptop working on some emails and they both just came over to me. They didn't want to bother me or tear me away from my work. They just wanted to be near me. And so I sat on this hotel bed with a laptop on my lap, with Becca under my left arm and Alayna under my right. This is what I had been chasing four years for. That sense of unity and belonging.
It awoke that last part of me that had never come out. That last piece of being a man, the drive to work and sacrifice for your family. I was willing to leave Ryan homeless and get a place with my girls. To cut off income to GameCon to support them. I would have changed everything to fight them in. Everything.
But then it was all gone just as fast as it came. I was devastated, truly and wholly devastated. It wasn't a game to me, and it wasn't something I thought I was going to get up and walk away.
I don't' truly understand her actions and I suspect I never will. But the love I have for her is real. Its real and dangerous. I have qualms about leaving everything to be with her. I would do anything to keep her clear, and I say that with full clarity.
I know over the years you all have seen me switch from crush to crush, fleeting obsessions. My emotions are intense and I tend to focus singularly on one girl and pour all of it into tit. But this is unlike anything else I've ever felt.
And now there's a aching hole where she was. And it can't be filled with sex, booze or money. I've tried ti all and it the hole just sucks it up. So there's this wall around it, and behind it its my anger and sadness over the breakup. I can't cry, even though I want to. I can't see to get it out and for a man like me, thats bad.
The worse of it all is that if she called me today, and apologized, asking to get back together. I would say yes. Instantly. And I know it. No matter what she does to me, I'll keep going back.
I'm the highest order of fool and I know that. But I need you all the understand that this is serious. That Becca is a very serious problem for me. Maybe even an addiction, a compulsion. And until she decides that she wants nothing to do with me ever, I will walk down this road again. And it will be worse than ever.
So to my dearest and most trusted friends, I apologize in advance for the headaches I will cause in the future.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)