One Eye On The Past

So I ended up have that sort of tragic first love. The kind of love that when it finally ends you just end up feeling depleted and broken. A shell of your formal self. Well on the anniversary of that break up I wrote what would end up feeling like an obituary for the realtionship. Its one of the oldest but probably most truthful things I've written.

I never thought that things would be like this, a year can make such a large difference.

There’s not too many times in my life where I’m truly optimistic. I’ve always had a stained realistic view of life. The bad always come with the good and that everyone has to realize this or else they're doomed to failure. But somehow I allowed myself to be swayed from my own personal mantra. Looking back at things I’m not surprised that I was lead astray.

It really couldn't be helped.

I had had so many painful relationships by this time in my life. Hell there’s some things that have gone on that none of my friends know about. Not because I don’t trust them, but because something’s are better left buried. I was looking for someone special to come through my life and give me the kind of happiness that only someone you love can give you. I had searched

high and low, near and far, and ultimately to no avail. But Stephanie had always been a girl that had been in the back of my head. For the most part she served as a friend, or more importantly as a measuring device. Every woman in my life was secretly measured against Stephanie.

Why?

Because when I wrote down everything I desired in a girl it came out to be Stephanie. Not perfectly but about as close as I think any human can come to someone’s dream. In my mind I was always mulling over the thought of being with her, but it seemed too out of reason to truly act upon. So she served as a quality measure. Every girl had to meet so many requirements for me to seriously consider dating them. But with every girl I tried harder and harder to reach the end goal.

But they never worked out.

And I began to grow bitter about my losses. How I could look so hard and come up so empty. It was when she started to date Vince that I realized my terrible mistake. My love for her went far beyond friendship. I had serious feelings for her and I needed to deal with it. So I did what I always did when it came to emotional feelings.

Squash it into oblivion.

But it didn't work, in fact it failed horribly. The harder I tried to kill it, the stronger the feelings became. And to make things worse our friendship was so close that sometimes I would confuse myself as to if we were dating and I just wasn't facing it. A part of me thought that maybe I should just leave it as be. That this was as good as it was going to get and I should quit while I was ahead. I thought about it, but then I smacked myself back into reality.

Why settle when it comes to your feelings?

I was living in a perpetually state of limbo and I HATED IT. I was so close, yet I couldn't have her. I couldn't be with her. No matter how strong a friendship is, it’s just not the same as a strong relationship. I either had to give it a chance or squander the rest of days thinking “What if.”

But apparently I wasn’t the only one with hidden feelings.

Needless to say, when Stephanie told me that she also had feelings I was ecstatic. I couldn’t believe it, I had always doubted, always dreamed. But I didn’t really ever think it would happen. I didn’t think she was capable of having real feelings for me. And even though I was happy, I always had this doubt lingering in my head. This nagging voice telling me to watch out, that all was not calm. But there was no way I was going to miss out on this.

And so a year ago today, I asked her to believe in me…in us and I asked her out.

She said yes. The rest of the weekend was a blur, a dream really. I felt that I was taking a step in the right direction. The best girlfriend is made from your best friend, or at least that’s what I had always thought. But yet the voice in my head lingered. I guess a part of me never believed that this dream could come true and didn’t buy it. But there was no way I was going to give into that kind of thought.

How can you describe the top?

It felt like being on the top of the world. Why be mad or sad when you had a wonderful girl with you? Everyone around me said that they weren’t shocked. They all made it seem as if they were expecting this. It was nice to hear, but I wondered how much of what others said was true. I would slowly begin to understand that no one seems to tell me the important things.

But like everything in life the bad came along with the good.

Somehow by becoming the boyfriend I took a step back. Instead of being high up on the list of people to see/things to do, I became almost last. Everyone saw her more than I did. During school this wasn’t an issue, but it became dreadful apparent during the summer. A week would go by before I would ever hear from her. I didn’t bother her because I knew that she was busy with summer school and guard.

But Brandon came after school, after guard, after sleep, after games, after the gaming group and after her other friends.

I’m use to being last in some things, but who wants to be last in a relationship? It was beginning

to seriously piss me off. It got to the point where some people didn’t even think I was dating her anymore. What happened to Stephanie, they’d ask. She’s busy, I’d explained. Oh, they would say, giving a strange look as they wondered why she ALWAYS busy. It got to the point that even the precious few days I saw her were odd. I couldn’t help but feeling forgotten and our conversations would be pierced by long periods of silence. I remember many days looking up at the sky and wondered if this was the way love should be.

To be happy and sad at the same time.

I was giving up a lot of things to try and be with her. I’ve always been a guy that has enjoyed the physical pleasures of a relationship. But this was something that didn’t come with the Date Stephanie package. But I gladly gave them away because I wanted to be with her. I would have given the world up for her, and yet I could barely get a piece of her time.

So I tried to jumpstart some passion by taking her out on a romantic night out.

I spent a couple of weeks plotting on where to go and what to do. I wanted it to be something
unique, something that no one has ever done for her. I wanted it to be something that no one would do for awhile to come. I did everything I could to make that night worth while. I brought her a dozen red roses when I came to pick her up. I took her on a carriage ride around the plaza. And then for the real treat I took her to Skies. A restaurant downtown that sat on top of the 43 story Hilton Hotel. The restaurant has all the seats on the outside, with large windows so you can see the view of the whole city. And it slowly spins so that you can take in the entire skyline. I spent a total of $250 that night. And the funny thing is I felt bad…because I wished I had more money to spend on her. Maybe that doesn’t seem like a lot to some people. But for a broke man, with no job…$250 on one night is a lot…

But apparently the relationship was already dead at this point.

Because about a month later things were over. We had talked one day about things, about the many bumps. And I told her that in two weeks I had to leave to go back to school. In the mean time I wanted her to think about what she really wanted. I knew from experience that you never know what you have until the end is near. I never actually thought that things would end. It was a possibility but I thought that even with the problems, our relationship was strong enough to deal with it.

But like so many things in life I was wrong. It didn’t take the two weeks for her to decide, it took two days.

And the answer was that she didn’t want to be with me. She said that she just didn’t need to be in a relationship right now. One of those, its not you it’s me. And sadly I believed her. I was hurt as all hell, more hurt than I expected. My birthday was in 2 days…and I wouldn’t be able to spend it with her. She was gone and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it. I hadn’t felt that level of sadness in a long time. I didn’t think it would ever end, I thought that there would always be a Brandon and Stephanie in some way or another. But I was wrong. I gave in and visited her on my last night in Lee’s Summit. The next day I would be returning to school. Just seeing her hurt, realizing that I couldn’t have her….. hurt even more. My plan was to give her a quick hug and retreat… but it didn’t happen like that. Once I had my arms wrapped around her I found it hard to let go. She looked up at me and I saw the tears streaming down her face, and then I felt moisture on my face and realized that I was crying too.

I held her and cried because it felt like I was losing half of my soul.

She didn’t change her mind. She still didn’t want to be with me, and to make it worse she had cried. And I had no idea why. As I drove home my body hurt, my soul ached. I screamed and pounded the steering wheel, hoping that would release the pain. But it didn’t, nothing I could do could rid me of this wound. But throughout it all I held on to my silver thread. I could only hope that she would find herself and come back to me. In the mean time I would work on my flaws and try to better myself for when she returned.

But then she started calling me.

She called to chit chat, see how I was doing. All the random bullshit that ex’s talk about when the pain is still so fresh. I wanted so badly to talk about us, or at least what had been us. I wanted to tell her how much I missed her, how much I wanted another chance to prove myself. How much I just wanted to feel her presence… But I knew that I would only make a fool out of myself. And then one day she called and I did do that. I spilled some of my feelings and to my dismay found out an important yet painful piece of information. It had been 2 months since our break-up and she was now with another guy.

Stephanie wouldn’t be coming back.

To say I felt like a Jackass would be an understatement. My unending pain was only matched by my unbridled anger. I had been holding a flame for a candle that was no longer there. I was living in a bubble and it was time for me to be smacked out of it. I had so many feelings left over that I hadn’t dealt with because I couldn’t handle it. But now I had no choice and the pain was killing me. Things would never be the same for me. Stephanie and I could never be friends again because she would always be more than a friend. And I’ll be damned before I squash my own feelings to appease her.

A part of me had died and now I would have to try and make due.

Apparently her boyfriend Keith is good to her and he cares for her better than I ever did. And in return she loves him more than she ever could love me. Even the knowledge of this wasn’t enough to kill my feelings for her. My best trick to getting over women was to run to another. But there was no girl that would take me in, no one to care for and crush the feelings for Stephanie. I was on my own and it hurt. Occasionally she calls and I don’t pick up. It’s the one pleasure I can truly have, knowing that if only for a second she can feel the pain that I felt. The pain of reaching out to someone and getting nothing but air. I don’t doubt that she hurts over hurting me, but the fact is that it can never equal how it feels over here.

I feel abused, used, broken and ignored.

Justifiable or not, from where I stand that is exactly how it is. I know as now as I did then about what happened. She said she loved me so many times, yet it took her mere days to kill our 6 month relationship built on a 4 year friendship. Everybody is entitled to change there mind, but if they can make such an important decision in such a short time…what does that say? A part of me seeks some kind of closure that doesn’t exist. Things have changed in the past year, but in a way there the same.

She’s still the first thing to cross my mind when I wake, and the last thing when I sleep.

I had such grand plans last year. But now I can’t help but feel empty. I would have gladly died a thousands deaths for her, and I would have trusted her with my life. No one else can compare when it comes to how much I trusted her. Amazing how such a small girl managed to leave such a large impression on me. It makes me feel incredible weak, how could I still love someone that has done so much harm. Let alone someone that has moved on long ago. There’s really only one thought that crosses my mind everyday now.

I wish I had never meet her, because then it wouldn’t hurt so bad.