Sometimes We Fall In The Light

So digging through some old Facebook notes, I found a note I wrote to two of my best friends. This was about a girl that was very nearly my fiancee. It lacks a little context but I think anyone would get the message.

I feel that this whole thing with Becca hasn't been properly explained by myself. That the whole thing must just seem crazy, far fetched and immature. I want you all to understand how I feel so that you can understand me better. Or better yet why this will happen again in some form.

You all know the story of Stephanie and I, some better than others. But she was the first deep intellectual and emotional connection I ever had. It was honestly earth shattering for me. I was always use to understanding things before others, usually because I sought out knowledge. But I had never dreamed of a feeling like that. I wasn't prepared for how deeply someone could imprint themselves upon you. It was something that had never happened before, and didn't happen after.

So I assumed logical that maybe thats what it was like to meet your soulmate. An intense and singular connection that can't be replicated by time or effort. A single great moment with a person that is attainable as easily as it can be broken.

And then I met Rebecca Loftin. From the onset I knew I was playing with fire, she was a married woman after all. But from the very first conversation there was fire there. We flirted and flowed so easily, almost as if we known each other forever. She was as quick witted and flirtatious as myself, a rare quality to find. But she was married...to a total douchebag. So I convinced myself that it was ok to want to forbidden fruit because the current owner didn't want it, couldn't appreciate.

And so for almost 2 years we talked and shared and flirted and everything. I told her things that I had shared with no one, even you all. My inner most fears and secrets and desires. My dreams of the future, my ambitions, my doubts. And she accepted them. Not just a sort of nod, a placating yes, but a real sense that she say and understood them. That she would squash the petty fears and stand behind my dreams.

Another first for me. A deeper connection than even Stephanie. But I didn't share it, not truly, because well she was married. And I didn't want to hear the disappointment from my friends in my actions. I didn't expect them to understand how right it felt regardless of how wrong the situation was. Besides...it was just a dream right? She was married, and several states away.

Then when moved to Oklahoma she was within my reach. All the promises we couldn't keep could be fulfilled. So I drove to see her. It was the scariest fucking thing I've ever done. To drive into a another state, for a girl I had never met face to face before. The sheer stupidity of it all was horrifying. The whole way there I went over the what ifs. I cursed myself for being so foolish as to be that guy.

But I did it, and I made it there safe. And she was the person I had talked to so many hours on the phone, shared so much with. The gap that we had maintained because of distance started shrinking.

And for the first time ever, I made love. Not sex, or just fucking. But sex, with emotions. First time. Ever. And I knew that after that I couldn't go back. Afterwards I laid there in my bed for what seemed like hours, just smiling. I had this peaceful sensation through my body, like finally everything was coming into sync. A clear mind, soul and body. We were all finally on the same page. We all agreed that THIS is what love was. A complete conquest of everything. She engaged my mind, soothed my soul and pleased my body. I didn't have to make excuses as to why any one part was left wanting.

But on the drive home I realized that she still wasn't mine. She was like a princess in a far away castle, tucked away from the world, protected from men like me. And no matter what I tried I couldn't scale the castle. I could get high enough to see my prize, to touch her lips, to hear her voice. Just long enough to know I was missing before she severed the rope, letting me fall.

She let me fall. Everytime. Why? I couldn't understand it. Why? I think she loves me. I went over every action every moment in my head. Where did I go wrong, what did I say wrong? Did I miss something?

Then this last time. Oh this last time. Each other attempt was for her and I to be together. For their to be an us. But this time it was about being a family. I finally let myself connect with her daughter, and everything I was worried about happened. I was always wondering that those paternal feelings that had never really activated would turn on. And fuck they did. Now it just wasn't about her and I, it was a family.

My family. A foreign concept to me. I never thought I would have a family. And yet here it was, my girls. The Tuesday that she came over to the hotel was the best day I've ever had in my life.

I was at my laptop working on some emails and they both just came over to me. They didn't want to bother me or tear me away from my work. They just wanted to be near me. And so I sat on this hotel bed with a laptop on my lap, with Becca under my left arm and Alayna under my right. This is what I had been chasing four years for. That sense of unity and belonging.

It awoke that last part of me that had never come out. That last piece of being a man, the drive to work and sacrifice for your family. I was willing to leave Ryan homeless and get a place with my girls. To cut off income to GameCon to support them. I would have changed everything to fight them in. Everything.

But then it was all gone just as fast as it came. I was devastated, truly and wholly devastated. It wasn't a game to me, and it wasn't something I thought I was going to get up and walk away.

I don't' truly understand her actions and I suspect I never will. But the love I have for her is real. Its real and dangerous. I have qualms about leaving everything to be with her. I would do anything to keep her clear, and I say that with full clarity.

I know over the years you all have seen me switch from crush to crush, fleeting obsessions. My emotions are intense and I tend to focus singularly on one girl and pour all of it into tit. But this is unlike anything else I've ever felt.

And now there's a aching hole where she was. And it can't be filled with sex, booze or money. I've tried ti all and it the hole just sucks it up. So there's this wall around it, and behind it its my anger and sadness over the breakup. I can't cry, even though I want to. I can't see to get it out and for a man like me, thats bad.

The worse of it all is that if she called me today, and apologized, asking to get back together. I would say yes. Instantly. And I know it. No matter what she does to me, I'll keep going back.

I'm the highest order of fool and I know that. But I need you all the understand that this is serious. That Becca is a very serious problem for me. Maybe even an addiction, a compulsion. And until she decides that she wants nothing to do with me ever, I will walk down this road again. And it will be worse than ever.

So to my dearest and most trusted friends, I apologize in advance for the headaches I will cause in the future.