Honestly somewhere in mind I've known that I'm hard to deal with. I know that my passion and vest for the thoughts and opinions in my head is often oft putting to the ones around. And the truth is, I care. I care...but I don't know how to stop being me.
When there is conversation around me that I understand, I literally yearn to be a part of it. The problem often is that I know a lot of things. A lot of random things, about random things. So I'm usually well versed in a variety of topics, and I'm passionate about those things. So I end up embroiled in a conversation when inevitably someone says something I disagree with it. If I feel like there wrong, I want to point it out. Not to be a douche, but because they simply are wrong. And I will be more than glad to point out where and how and include a source if need be. If its a differing opinion I probe and have to know why they think as such. Mainly because there is no way I can understand and accept their opinion without knowing its true source of origin.
Because doesn't everyone have a reason for their thoughts and actions? I mean I know I do. There in lies my problem. And the older I get, the less people around me are willing to deal with the mire that is my brain. I found out that some guys I use to play an online game with don't like me. At all really. They all apparently have decided that when I'm around, to never bring up anything that could be argued over. And that hurt, it really did. I actually had tears well up in my eyes a bit. That bothers me so much, it bothers me that it even bothers me. I like and respect those guys and my argumentative nature isn't a slight to them, hell its a friendly jester in a way. Because who cares about the opinions and outlooks of idiots and the mundane?
It's similar at work. I'm on the outs with my entire sect of coworkers. Funny thing is I don't even argue with them. They just don't really like me. Could be because I don't share the interest and lack that common denominator that bonds people. Could be because I am not thin and good looking like them. Could be a lot of things, could be everything. The end result being an oppressive loneliness at work. And my friends, my own group of friends that I'm moving to Oregon with. I want to trust them, but I worry that my ability to trust people is broken. I can't help but think of all the things that can go wrong and the potentially incoming betrayal. Regardless of the fact that they have done nothing to display it.
It's all to easy to point at these people and say fuck them, their not worth it. But when that many people dislike you, actively avoid you, or simply avoid confrontation with you...does not point at myself as the problem. That what I have became as a person is simply faulty?
I fear that I simply have nothing of real note to offer. That my worth is only notable as long as I'm kept at an arms length. Close enough to hear, but no enough to feel. How long as it been since I've had a truly warm embrace? How long has it been since I've felt truly warm and safe and loved. I don't know anymore. I wish I could retreat to that golden age as a child when all you see is good. When you trusted blindly and loved everything that was good to you.
But these thoughts have to remain in my head. There is no room out there in the world for a man who doesn't have his ambition fixed firmly in his minds eye. There is no room for indecision and forlorn looks to the past. The mask must be seated firmly upon my face so the world never has to bother to ask me if I'm ok.
Suppose its better that way. Then I don't have lie and say I'm ok.
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