Maybe

This week has been the sort of week where you go from a good place emotionally to a sort of odd space where nothing feels right. There was a girl in my life that was complicated. We weren't together but in many ways we were. And it was a new experience for me, something that I never would have imagined myself in and something I would not do again. But now after a major yet seemingly minor argument we now no longer talk. Mainly over an argument about whether or not I actually loved her. And the whole experience has me looking at love agian.

What is love really? We love to think of it as this paragon emotion, a glue that binds the world together. Love of country, love of family, love of money and so on. But really we need to address and admit that at its core, love is selfish.

Maybe.

It is wholly and utterly a one sided and selfish emotion. You love the things that satisfy a part of our psyche. Love of country for motivation, love of family for warmth, love of money for comfort. We all love to fill in the holes in our soul, to give our life meaning and purpose.

And yet that is not necessarily a bad thing. Humans if not be default are selfish and for good reason. To survive in this world you more often than not, have to watch out for yourself. So as you grow and develop you naturally insert yourself at the middle of your own sort of universe. If and how many people you let into it is almost wholly up to you. Thus when you encounter love for the first time, its so intense, so foreign.

Maybe.

Your body seems to ache at love, at a source of emotion so based in selfishness with an illusion of selflessness. Yet the punch line of it is so poetic and ironic. To really love, to REALLY love, you have to lay your heart bare to someone else. You have to leave yourself wanting and exposed to really truly feel love. To have something that can make you whole, you must risk it all.

So why do it then? Because when you love, when you love and are loved in kind, it moves mountain. It raises man to a level he could never reach before. Is it because of that we trap ourselves in a cyclical pattern of love and lose?

Maybe.

Then again maybe we are all capable of feeling the gap in someone's soul and seek to mutually fill that. A sort of emotional jigsaw puzzle. Endlessly trying to find someone with the piece you both need.

So did I love her?

Maybe.

Or maybe I just knew that we both were hollow and that we could fill in the gaps of each other's soul. And that regardless of it if was true love or mutual selfishness, we would have been good together. It forces me to look at myself, question the seriousness of my intentions. But yet in the end I still believe in the institution of love and its all its complexity. And its still something I hope to find in my future.

Maybe.
Maybe Not.