Friendless in Seattle

Honestly somewhere in mind I've known that I'm hard to deal with. I know that my passion and vest for the thoughts and opinions in my head is often oft putting to the ones around. And the truth is, I care. I care...but I don't know how to stop being me.

When there is conversation around me that I understand, I literally yearn to be a part of it. The problem often is that I know a lot of things. A lot of random things, about random things. So I'm usually well versed in a variety of topics, and I'm passionate about those things. So I end up embroiled in a conversation when inevitably someone says something I disagree with it. If I feel like there wrong, I want to point it out. Not to be a douche, but because they simply are wrong. And I will be more than glad to point out where and how and include a source if need be. If its a differing opinion I probe and have to know why they think as such. Mainly because there is no way I can understand and accept their opinion without knowing its true source of origin.

Because doesn't everyone have a reason for their thoughts and actions? I mean I know I do. There in lies my problem. And the older I get, the less people around me are willing to deal with the mire that is my brain. I found out that some guys I use to play an online game with don't like me. At all really. They all apparently have decided that when I'm around, to never bring up anything that could be argued over. And that hurt, it really did. I actually had tears well up in my eyes a bit. That bothers me so much, it bothers me that it even bothers me. I like and respect those guys and my argumentative nature isn't a slight to them, hell its a friendly jester in a way. Because who cares about the opinions and outlooks of idiots and the mundane?

It's similar at work. I'm on the outs with my entire sect of coworkers. Funny thing is I don't even argue with them. They just don't really like me. Could be because I don't share the interest and lack that common denominator that bonds people. Could be because I am not thin and good looking like them. Could be a lot of things, could be everything. The end result being an oppressive loneliness at work. And my friends, my own group of friends that I'm moving to Oregon with. I want to trust them, but I worry that my ability to trust people is broken. I can't help but think of all the things that can go wrong and the potentially incoming betrayal. Regardless of the fact that they have done nothing to display it.

It's all to easy to point at these people and say fuck them, their not worth it. But when that many people dislike you, actively avoid you, or simply avoid confrontation with you...does not point at myself as the problem. That what I have became as a person is simply faulty?

I fear that I simply have nothing of real note to offer. That my worth is only notable as long as I'm kept at an arms length. Close enough to hear, but no enough to feel. How long as it been since I've had a truly warm embrace? How long has it been since I've felt truly warm and safe and loved. I don't know anymore. I wish I could retreat to that golden age as a child when all you see is good. When you trusted blindly and loved everything that was good to you.

But these thoughts have to remain in my head. There is no room out there in the world for a man who doesn't have his ambition fixed firmly in his minds eye. There is no room for indecision and forlorn looks to the past. The mask must be seated firmly upon my face so the world never has to bother to ask me if I'm ok.

Suppose its better that way. Then I don't have lie and say I'm ok.

Maybe

This week has been the sort of week where you go from a good place emotionally to a sort of odd space where nothing feels right. There was a girl in my life that was complicated. We weren't together but in many ways we were. And it was a new experience for me, something that I never would have imagined myself in and something I would not do again. But now after a major yet seemingly minor argument we now no longer talk. Mainly over an argument about whether or not I actually loved her. And the whole experience has me looking at love agian.

What is love really? We love to think of it as this paragon emotion, a glue that binds the world together. Love of country, love of family, love of money and so on. But really we need to address and admit that at its core, love is selfish.

Maybe.

It is wholly and utterly a one sided and selfish emotion. You love the things that satisfy a part of our psyche. Love of country for motivation, love of family for warmth, love of money for comfort. We all love to fill in the holes in our soul, to give our life meaning and purpose.

And yet that is not necessarily a bad thing. Humans if not be default are selfish and for good reason. To survive in this world you more often than not, have to watch out for yourself. So as you grow and develop you naturally insert yourself at the middle of your own sort of universe. If and how many people you let into it is almost wholly up to you. Thus when you encounter love for the first time, its so intense, so foreign.

Maybe.

Your body seems to ache at love, at a source of emotion so based in selfishness with an illusion of selflessness. Yet the punch line of it is so poetic and ironic. To really love, to REALLY love, you have to lay your heart bare to someone else. You have to leave yourself wanting and exposed to really truly feel love. To have something that can make you whole, you must risk it all.

So why do it then? Because when you love, when you love and are loved in kind, it moves mountain. It raises man to a level he could never reach before. Is it because of that we trap ourselves in a cyclical pattern of love and lose?

Maybe.

Then again maybe we are all capable of feeling the gap in someone's soul and seek to mutually fill that. A sort of emotional jigsaw puzzle. Endlessly trying to find someone with the piece you both need.

So did I love her?

Maybe.

Or maybe I just knew that we both were hollow and that we could fill in the gaps of each other's soul. And that regardless of it if was true love or mutual selfishness, we would have been good together. It forces me to look at myself, question the seriousness of my intentions. But yet in the end I still believe in the institution of love and its all its complexity. And its still something I hope to find in my future.

Maybe.
Maybe Not.

Truth in Lies

I find that the biggest lie in all of life is the sense that the truth is key. The truth is the farthest thing from something that pleases and soothes humanity. It is in fact carefully constructed lies that allows us to function from a day to day basis. So where does that leave the ilk like myself who crave honesty?

It leaves us in an ultimate Sophie's choice.

And its that conundrum that came to my head as I sat across the couch from her, basked in the armor of mt alcoholic courage. On the drive back to her house I had rehearsed the words in my head so very many times. Each one slicked with a sheen of charisma and careful wordsmith.

Oh how I imagined how my artful confession would shock but thrill her. We were already so painfully close, surely the exaltation of my true emotions would strike a chord in her? A mutually assured attraction surely lied dormant just beneath the surface.

But as the words came stumbling fast and clumsily from my lips I realized how foolish and antiqued my line of thinking had been.

The truth is not what people want. Its the illusion of truth with a veneer of sweet lies and projected expectations that sates humanity.

We had an interesting thing going on. Drinks after work, 90's movies at night and in that there was a foundation and a wash of murky intentions. But so long as they stated ambiguous there was no risk to her. And perhaps that was her safe spot, just as much as mine was in the light of truth. Did I have anymore reason to dictate the pass and setting than she did?

But as I confessed so ineloquently I knew that truth is not always the best medicine. Perhaps it is a candy best meant for fools and children. Because while there is often light in the truth, their is security in the dark.